Being captivated by how far we have come technologically has it's ups and downs. The 'up' is that everything looks better, works faster, new generations graduating from schools and colleges are equipped with far greater and deeper knowledge than those 5, 10, etc. years ago. Those things that we had to learn and figure out before have become common knowledge now, so new generations have to learn and then figure out more advanced things based on that common knowledge. The 'down' is how easy it is to get lost in consumerism of all this technology instead of contributing to it's advancements. Have you ever noticed how a sci-fi flick that has fascinated you a decade ago now is just ridiculously corny and badly made compared to the latest remake of the same flick? Even Transformers have become cool again! I remember when Monsters Inc. came out how we [geeks] were amazed at how realistic the fur on the character looked - every single hair was animated separately to make it move just like it would in real life. Do you know how much processor math crunching is involved in that? At the time it probably took hours if not days to render each frame for the movie. I used to go see any movie if it was released in IMAX or 3D - yes, even the Spy Kids 3D one (blush). Now the technology has become so common place that not only any and every slasher or plot-less kids' movie is made in 3D but you can even buy your own 3D TV. And the video games... My weakest spot. Not only the AI is smarter and better executed, there are movie-animation parts of the game that play out differently every time you play it as they are driven by player's actions. I don't mean those interactives that tell you to press a button at certain points but chases and fights and key interactions with AI avatars...
I've realized that I have shifted into the role of being a consumer and I find it increasingly unsettling. My greatest fear is that my research adviser finally grows tired of my wild variations in productivity levels and disowns me. It's followed by a vague fear that Mnemosine will reconcile the memory of me into non-existence as I am becoming less and less useful to the Universe as a whole. A bit dramatic, I know. But ever since I (somewhat) conquered the impostor syndrome I've been plagued by other doubts and fears. I've come to believe that we are meant to be miserable. When people are happy or even simply content they stop making progress. Have you ever noticed how as soon as you feel comfortable with your life something goes wrong to restore you to your usual miserable self? Well, that's what happens to me every single time. And no, I don't sabotage myself, most often I have nothing to do with the events that disturb my comfort level. That's just life, I guess.
So, you may ask, if I'm so certain of what I want to do and what I don't want to become why can't I just sit down and do it all. I'd really like to know the answer to that too. How can I couple my theoretical motivation with whatever it is that makes me stop being mostly a consumer and go back to being more of a producer?
